This past weekend was fairly ( amazing. )

we were in his hot tub at around 11:30 watching the Three Stooges on his mini DVD player and we kissed and leaned our heads together, and just stayed that way for a minute. He pulled away and said "... are you my soulmate?"

to not send him a text right now or call him up. Things with us skip from comfortable to fresh and back again so quickly. And I mean comfortable in the most positive sense. Not the hum-drum oh it's you kinda way.
Sorry if you all find my posts incredibly sickening. I'm just totally gay for him.

Some things that I could have twittered but didnt:

I miss watching Arrested Development.

I'm re-reading Preacher and let me tell you it's fucking awesome and if you like cool shit you would probably like it. The characters are all really fucked up. The most gnarly shit happens to them along the way and the antagonists always get what's coming... even when it's God.

I went to PRIDE with Stevereno for the first time. I'd always had to work through the parade and being without a job for the time being has given me a few benefits, and this was one of them... even if I did see a lot of old man wiener.

I should probably go to bed.

Eight months ago, I called him at 9:06, and he was doing homework. We talked for two hours and he almost came to pick me up. We had our first kiss two days later.

Today, he showed up in his car with summer flowers, wearing a button up white shirt to take me out to a nice dinner at Milestones. We spent the entire time talking and smiling at each other, endless things to joke about. We waited nearly an hour for our food, and at some point he tied his napkin around his neck and held his utensils. I laughed really hard. From there we went bowling. I sucked so hard and was really embarrassed but he said I was still the best. We did the Monty Burns hand-over-the-air-vent joke and went home. We played Scrabble. It is so wonderful, to just be with someone who appreciates every minute you're together.

Anyway, I suppose that's enough gayness for all of you.

I like disappearing from the internet for days at a time. It's nice to just go hide at my boyfriend's house.
Went for an interview at Cora's today. I may have flubbed it on account of I set my availablilty to 9am-1am and their only open 7am-4pm... sooo I don't know if they will like me. I said I was flexible though so hopefully they will take that into account.
I watched most of Click last night on Showcase with Alex. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it before seeing it I already knew what the "lesson" was and all that predictable stuff.
Laptop battery dying. Going to a few NXNE-related shows tonight.



ALPHABOT @ HOLY JOE'S 1AM!!

Just listening to Queen in my basement, and today has been both eventful for a lazy day and uneventful for what should be a filled afternoon. I gotta start getting to bed earlier and getting up at 10 or 11. At this rate I'm waking up at quarter to 1, unable to get ready before 3. I wanna do a few things today though, for certain. I have all the hours in the world, and if I can't find a job I should at least be able to finish the basement room for Alex and I, and maybe get my website into a state. I'm kinda mad I didn't think in advance for my interFACE, but it's still cool. Aah! I need to remember how to do things and not allow myself to be too lazy.
Applied for one job in the beaches, but it's part time. Bittersweet if I get it. Biked there and back and I am now physically weak! Ridiculous. I'm such a pansy now!

Um, boyfriend amazing and all that la de da.

I WANT A TUNA MELT KTHXBAI

If I ever got to a point in the future where I loved Alex enough to do the whole yadda yadda yadda with him I bet the song Last Caress by The Misfits would be our kids lullaby. AAAAAnd if you know that song you will fear for the youth of fictional tomorrow.

That or the Rockabye! Baby lullabies by Queen. I respek those albums. It's a cute concept.

Feeling really tired but can't stop reflecting on a great moment in time from Saturday. We wanted to go to Edward Gardens but it was clouded over. We decided to go anyway, and when we pulled into the parking lot it was pouring rain. I didn't have a hood but we got out of the car and ran down the path anyway. We thought the trees would cover most of the rain but it just reinforced the droplets, making the smaller ones into teams. I held my arms close around myself and you gave me your jacket. We went running from tree patch to tree patch, hoping to not get wetter than completely drenched. You pointed out the red flowers and we ran to them. After sparing them a minute we continued running through the wooded area. Crossing bridges and running past streams. Avoiding mud as best we could splashing across the puddled ground. We saw a tree that was seventy years old. The sun came out and spread across a green field. Water dripped off my forehead as we looked at the huge mossy rock with dewed spiderwebs. A rainbow crossed the sky and you took a picture. There was a puddle with steam coming off it and we laughed at the raging rapids of a small stream. Personified ducks as we threw them pieces of bread. A goose bit you and you told him not to play you like that. I hissed at them but they were pretty cool I guess, once you got passed their greed and judgement. We walked to the car holding hands across a bridge we both new from separate childhoods. I gave up on the idea of days like this, and there it was. I want to remember you like this always.

Choke wasn't so good. Stop flirting with my friends. Stop. I will take the bus and smack you. Don't doubt me. I have a metropass.

I'm really happy!

Just getting a job is taking forever and I'm starting to feel guilty/worried about not making that much money before my final year at OCAD. And of course, this is the year where I'll need to pay half my tuition probably. It really sucks but at the same time it's given me a lot of time to be with my family and get to see my grandmother's more. As well as some friends... and those of my friends that I haven't seen haven't made themselves readily available.

I've been having a wonderful time with Alex too. He keeps proving his greatness here and there along the way and I couldn't be more thankful and lucky to have him in my life right now.

This long weekend started strong but I think will end anti-climactically unless I end up going to that damned fair a bus ride away..... anyway - the past few days in summation:

On Wednesday Duncan came over and we spent the entire day hanging out. We sat on my back deck and shot the shit as it were - catching up on the latest things and whatever else. My dad came home at around 4:30 and we moved all the furniture we could muster out of my house because we were having the floors stained and polished. After moving everything Duncan and I went to my old public school and played badminton for an hour or so. It was raining but it was really fun, I hadn't played for a really long time and it was just silly to try and play with such a heavy wind. I showed him all of the school's stupid substitutes for playground equipment - like pull-up bars and balance beams. We went back to my house and got some pizza. We sat in the back again, then watched some Summer Heights High. At around 12 we went to get candy from Metro. I wasn't feeling too hot at this point, because I didn't get enough sleep. Out front of the Metro there were a few cop cars, and it turns out there had been a mild kafuffle. I called Alex on the way home and shortly after getting home, went to bed.

Thursday rolled around and I went out job-hunting at the mall. I had seen a listing for a hostess position at a Jack Astor's, and in desperation, went down there to give them a resume, only to find that the positions had miraculously been filled in the last two days. Figures. Feeling defeated, I messaged Alex to see if he would be arriving shortly after (the mall is where his bus from school drops him), and it turned out he was pretty close, so at least I got to see him for a bit. He offered me his help in trying to find a place to work, telling me he had ins with the people at West 49 and HMV, but the concept made me feel a little awkward (see:pathetic) and I didn't really see myself working retail at the mall. That may sound pompous but it's just not the job for me.
From there we took the bus and I went to a few more places near my house before going home. That night I went to Wex for the first time in at least a year, and ran into Mr. Kraft. It had been good to see him, because he is still the same person I respect, even after a few years of distance from high school. I miss hanging out in the film room sometimes, talking about things I could barely wrap my head around. I eventually met up with my original cast of players; Nicole, Laura, Stefan, Fernando, Eric, Maliha, Drew, Sam, and a few others. We saw a few things but ended up hanging outside of the school in an area apparently none of us ever really hung out before. It was different, but nice. After the sun went down a few of us went to a nearby Tim Hortons to talk and hang out more. It was truly a riotous occasion, many jokes shared and whatnot that aren't worth going into here, as I doubt many would find them interesting (because I know this entry's blowing your socks off).
My phone had died but apparently Alex had tried calling me, so Fernando ended up dropping me off at his place. We watched a bit of Looney Tunes and went to bed.

The next morning I had a job interview in "the gay village." I was pretty excited about it... but didn't end up getting it. The place was really nice but I guess working at one restaurant for three years isn't enough experience. Wtf.
Anyway I went home soon after, and hung out with my mom and Joanne for a little while. We went thrift shopping and then ordered pizza. Later that night I went to Shawn's Jackie's place for her birthday party! Before I got there Alex called and I sat on the curb and talked with him a while about how it sucked that we couldn't hang out together. Steve, Adam, and Jenny came up beside me and sassed me a little before going into the party. Alex told me he'd come and pick me up after the party because he didn't like the idea of me taking the bus home. I LIKE THIS GUY! I went in and basically spent the night on Steve's arm because I didn't feel like getting to know any of the other people there. He had on an awes necklace that he'd hand-crafted of silver chains and little crosses. A few people didn't immediately recognize me because of my bleached hair, but I'm getting kinda used to that. It happened with all the teachers I saw at the art show too. Watched Shawn's recent appearance on MTV. That was pretty awesome! Here's the clip for anyone interested (Shawn's the drummer)!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bgc0o24BYI

Steve and Adam went into the hot tub, and I ended up getting into some awkward conversation with three guys, who just said "I like your hair" - and I made an awkward joke about it... and they all just stared at me. I didn't like it but thankfully Alex had just gotten there so I bolted. After Alex getting his crotch thoroughly soaked by Steve (I wasn't there but I am sure it was sexual and awkward), we got into his car. He was able to meet a few of my friends, albeit without me, but it was nice regardless. I spent most of the trip thinking about how lucky I am. He debated taking me home, but we ended up going back to his place. The next morning we woke up and he made me pasta and we watched Zodiac before he had to go to work. My mom came to pick me up and Joanne was with her. They shared a few words with Alex before we went our separate ways. Joanne told me how cute he is, and I just said "yeah, I know." That night I met up with Amanda and Jeff to go see ANIMAL COLLECTIVE!!!!! we took the bus down. Hanging out with them always makes me feel so good - because we always laugh so comfortably together. When we got inside we went to the front and stood. For. An. Hour. The opening act was a woman who resembled Emo Philips leaning over a guitar plugged into a loop pedal. Amanda said she was "a lazy Sarah Mclachlan" - which neither Jeff nor I thought was possible. She also had some shitty projection that I just couldn't get over. It looked like she'd filmed her garden and put it into a kaleidoscope filter. Ugh. It was shit. The worst part was, that people seemed to ENJOY it. Our feet were killing us and we had had about enough. Thankfully Animal Collective came on 20 minutes later, and rocked our world. Their set pieces were really cool and the projections they had were great. They didn't play nearly enough songs - there were a lot of musical interludes which were cool but a little too long. After the show we went to Union and Amanda and Jeff got hot dogs. I went home and talked to Alex a little bit and hit the sack.

Hung out with my mom and saw my two grandmas today. I've seen a lot of them being out of work and school. I bought a pair of awesome silver hightop wrestling shoes at Winners!



BAM!

And yeah I think that's about it for now. ^_____________^ long-ass entry! I ruined your friend pages bitches!

I have twitter. semi_retarded.

Can I call you just to hear you, would you care?

Heavy eyes and shallow pockets.

Went on a job hunt today. I hope I work at a place where I can put some blue in my hair.

But really I just want a place that'll hire me and I will be paid well and not have to take the blue line home.

Hung out with Amanda on this job trip. She came over after. We hung out and it was bitter sweet for reasons outside of ourselves.

My tummy is big when I go to bed but it's always smaller when I wake up. Digestion is a funny thing.

Andrew called and I didn't call him back because I don't have anything to say.

His parents stopped by and I don't know whether they know he's upset about me right now or not. I think they know.

I love this girl I found on lookbook - http://files8.lookbook.nu/files/looks/original/197731_IMG_5401.jpg?1241458965

I can't stop thinking about the words "gold lamé tights"

I don't know what it is that I'm searching for when I listen to the music I listened to in high school.
Yeah I still think it's good even though my musical taste has grown. Everyone is kinda "over" the whole emo (secretly indie) fad.
I just feel like I'm looking for something in it. Maybe the amount of passion I had a few years ago.

I miss wanting to be in a band. That was my dream and I kinda just let it sit on the back-burners.

Do you ever wake up from a deep sleep and feel completely detached from your entire life? Sometimes I feel like Andy Warhol - like I'm just watching. I feel like a viewer who has emotions based on what's "on". The other morning my dad woke me up and I couldn't understand the concept of him being my father - what it means to have a parent. I just couldn't understand that type of human connection. It was a weird feeling.

Segue.

Thinking about the future makes me think about what I want to do for thesis. Think about what it is that I need to pull from. I want thesis to encompass a lot of the things I care about. I'm trying to make it click but I'm not there yet. I'm still putting the small pieces together.

I came to the heavy conclusion today that I still love the Ataris. I've been listening to So Long Astoria all afternoon. I was going through something - just transition into a new summer - cleaning out my room - and my dad brought me this album when he found it at Sonic Boom. Used the day it came out.

What the fuck happened to them though? I hated the latest song I heard. It was really disappointing.

I kind of hate the stigma people have given the music I used to listen to. I let it fall into that stigma too. I declare my love like it's something I need to feel embarrassed about even though I'm not.

I wrote them a letter that summer but I never sent it.

I never sent my letters.

I kinda want to start writing letters too.

The idea of writing to people excites me. The idea of a clean page just wanting to be written on. Pages upon pages filled with little drawings and thoughts. A lot of care meant just for one person.

Makes me think of mix tapes. When I would make mix tapes for people - all starting with - guess what - Song Made For A Mix Tape - by the Ataris.

I'm fragmented. I know I am. God. I just wanna go lay in a field with Alex. Be warm together underneath some stars.

I guess - it's just a group of things. Ataris, high school, future, desire, reliving, nighttime, a need for sleep.

Song is fading out. It's probably best I go.

I just keep lying here, not sleeping. Not letting my mind drift too far away.
His msn name was "fingertips and fireworks" and it was about me and guitar.
Scrolling through lookbook and listening to Neon Indian songs on repeat - can't wait for more from them.
We Are Haunted was a pretty great site to bookmark.
This one girl on Twitter really knows what's good about the internet.

So, I took a picture of myself to send Alex. Nothing special or anything.
He said I looked depressed, and I definitely wasn't.
I felt a disconnect from my face and what I convey through it.
When I think about my face it isn't honest.
Honest seems to work, but as soon as I think about it I lose it.
That it that makes me attractive to people.

Alex went on to talk to me about how he wants me to take more risks.
I need to stop being afraid of looking stupid, looking foolish in situations.
It's hard to turn that off but I guess I gotta try.

He said he wasn't going anywhere.

It's only after we lose everything that we're free to do anything.

I just wanna be able to reach out and touch him.

Sick of looking for work and only getting bites at places too far from me.

Very tired, and apparently my body is finding itself emotionally vulnerable at around 9pm. It's happened the last few nights. Do not want.

Hung out with Steve today, we went to VV and he tried on the ENTIRE STORE and bought half of it.
I bought a pair of the best underwear EVER and they are of course, a men's cut (but the crotch totally isn't prominent - here's a pic avec crotch - http://www.cheapundies.com/cu_content/itempics/Ginch-Gonch/750442/2834.jpg)

My feelings are all clashing and contradicting themselves. Wanna hang out with people but I don't wanna leave my house. Been out all day.

Anyway - that's it I guess.

Oh yeah and Adventureland sucked.

...To be pretty hurt that my best friend asked someone else to hang out before she called me?

Kinda upset I'm second-choice.

I am a big fat stupid headache who misses her boyfriend and just doesn't want to have to do anything today other than stay in and do useless shit. I'm going to lie in the dark for a bit and then everyone get used to just how useless I can be.
Stupid things. If it were at least warm out I'd be happy but no I was basically freezing out there from the winds.
Don't really feel like doing anything.
Don't wanna work on cleaning. Don't wanna draw. Don't wanna try and find a job. Don't even really wanna do anything on the internet anymore either.

Just really wanna watch a movie and nothing else.

Gonna go feel more guilty about wasting time.

Ciao

SCHOOL IS DONE!

My father and I went out for dinner to celebrate (mom wanted to stay in), and I was explaining how I don't feel like I'm done - like I need more things to do. My dad said it was like Wil-E-Coyote when he goes running off the cliff but doesn't realize where he is until he looks down. A good analogy, Alex and I both agree.

I presented my ghost projection for the second time. It ran much smoother and my teacher suggested I find a way to project it inside the school on a loop, and that I submit it to Nuit Blanch! Very nice feedback.

Here's a really short clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUelTJknE2c

And just because I like to self promote here's another piece I did last week:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRT5iZribQo&feature=related

The other videos I have up are also enjoyable. I suggest anything featuring Charlotte!

After my presentation I had to rush to a goddamned doctor's appointment. I am pretty much done with this whole needing to see a doctor at least every-other month thing. Not digging it whatsoever. Can my body just sort itself out plzkthx.

When I got home I was like "oh god I have all this time and the internet is so boring"

-I started this really short book for Alex filled with little insane urges of things I've thought to do for him.
-I stretched and painted/drew on a piece of old fabric I'd had lying around. I'm currently drawing a really scrawny bike on it.
-I finished the broach I have been making myself.
-I drew on 2 old records I painted almost two years ago
-I painted half of a mirror frame I've been meaning to convert
-I painted the sides of my old black converse. I'm gonna put images on 'em rather than get Nate to. It's less complicated.


With such a great start I wanna keep going. I have all these artistic aspirations and I'm hoping to find materials to start my quilt soon! I also really need to clean the downstairs room so Alex can start sleeping over here.


Side note: AUTOBOTS IS A RETARDED NAME!!! DECEPTICONS ARE COOLER JUST BECAUSE OF THEIR NAME!!!

My plans for the day were fucking not accomplished - not a one of them.

I wanted to clean my room. I did a little of that sure, but not much.
I wanted to work on my flash animation but god forbid I have the patience.
Wanted to go shopping, get some fabric, but I didn't have "time."
Fell asleep at around 6-6:30 just because I felt like shit/mad at my body.
Was gonna meet up with Steve at 7 but decided against it because I felt so shitty.
Then was gonna meet up with Charlotte at 8:30 but that didn't happen.
Then 9 didn't happen.
Then 9:30 rolled around I was like "ok let's do this" but she wasn't there which CHARLOTTE IT WAS OK I WASN'T MAD AT YOU I PROMISE so I put on my boots and my dad was like DON'T GO TO SHERBOURNE ALONE so I started feeling freaked out at 10 I called Steve and I was like I will be able to be there for an hour and maybe a half. He was like "it's ok if you don't want to come" tears build up because I'm so torn about going or just staying.

I really wanted to do karaoke tonight and it just didn't end up happening because living in Scarborough and feeling sick don't mix well with wanting to live my fucking life.

So I stayed in and I feel like complete shit basically. Wanted to do it all and got nothing done.

I really hope Alex picks me up tonight. I need to do SOMETHING!!!!!

"I seem to stumble upon these things
these gifts of life
a piece of wood on wheels, a girl
these little treasures of the earth"